If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You Might Also Like
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before