@madcaplaughs30: If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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@HomeProbably: I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since. Parenting is easy.
@blade_funner: "You suck." "No, you suck." "Really, you suck." "Please, you suck." "You suck, I insist." -- Polite vampires.
@mortimermaiden: Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty. Me: Nooooooooo. Judge: Again, you're the plaintiff. Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
@JessObsess: You really only have 2 options: 1. You can be miserable bc you're fat 2. You can be miserable bc you're hungry