If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma鈥檚, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude鈥檚 a loser with a crappy bomb who鈥檚 crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Her: I鈥檝e travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That鈥檚 redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Peach cobbler so good you can鈥檛 even taste the cyanide.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
馃捇馃ぁ
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I鈥檝e had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[plane about to crash]
him: if there鈥檚 anything you want to say to me, now鈥檚 the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.