If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
That time Alicia messaged me
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.