Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.