If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
You Might Also Like
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?