If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.