@TragicAllyHere: If someone asks if you've been crying just say, "why... do you want to watch?" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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@johngaysee: If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
@CarolinaSong: I'm at the bar & I'm trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
@daemonic3: Hello 911? "What's your emergency?" You work in a building? "Yes" Inside? "Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!