If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR