If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
We’ve all been there…
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.