@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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@laurajennyjo: I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
@NJFreudian: Which doesnt belong? Camel Polar Bear Obama Buffalo Camel......It's the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East
@ericsshadow: Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don't want to get off the couch.