if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..