If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
not seeing the problem