@1Happytwit: If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.
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@davedittell: MY HOT WIFE: want to go down on me? [three minutes later] *riding my wife down the water slide* YEAHHHH
@panmidwest: EXECUTIVE: Calling our store "Bed & Bath" isn't working. How can we take our branding to the next level? BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea...
@T_Bonezzz_: Dear women who just gave birth, Stop naming your child 'Khalessi'. Sincerely, The rest of the human race
@djdarrellripley: Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal. Her: Why don't you get married? Me: I've never been that hungry.