@bourgeoisalien: if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off
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@TrainedHedonist: Perverts have made it so you can't even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls' college diving team meets anymore.
@AddledPixie: "Unhand me you cad!" I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I've only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
@thejessbess: People are like, "Jess, can you give me some advice?" & I'm like, "K, don't get kidnapped."
@ruinedpicnic: me: honey, I'm home! [shuts door] girlfriend: (from bedroom) oh yeah harder me: if you say so [slams door]