If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
You Might Also Like
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.