If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.