@owlcity: If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.
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@akatinamarie: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
@slimmy_shady: Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
@Twtercide: 6 yo: *yells* Mom! I'm on level 18!!!! Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You're reading. 6 yo: Oh
@PanettaSexyTime: This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.