Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit