If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Sharon I have some bad news
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.