If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity