@kramediggles: If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think "oh that girl's not looking at ME she's looking at EVERYTHING"
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@omgthatspunny: Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.
@WilliamAder: Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
@iwearaonesie: wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"