@El_nacho_Nigre: If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don't stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.
@deardilettante: At least there's one other woman who's more wasted than me in this emergency room. No, my mistake, she's got dementia.
@Tmoney68: Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
@bobvulfov: dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests date 5: i don't think the moon is real