If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores