NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Golf would be better with landmines.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it