If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Children of the corn 🌽
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.