WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.