@Midgetspar: If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with "Buy a penguin". Imagine a scenario where that isn't awesome.
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@skickwriter: My microwave broke. So, we're finding innovative alternatives. Did y'all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I'm not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!
@CerebralWreck: Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!