If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I have no passwords left in me
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
That eye roll….