My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
pls suprot
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.