If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Good morning, Twitter x
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
He died doing what he loved: being alive