*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.