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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.