If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.