Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely