if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”