If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
🍛
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming