If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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Truth
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
LOOOOOOL
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Brb my Sims are getting married
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.