If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.