If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You Might Also Like
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”