If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
when you are just born a rebel
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up