If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.