If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE