If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Why I divorced her.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!