@fusedude: If someone makes you want to murder them, don't hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.
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@LetMeStart: [on phone with friend] Friend: Did you just throw up? Me: No, that's the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
@girlontapas: I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?" "Uhhh....why?" "I'm drawing a picture of you for school." "Cool! It's spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E."