In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Your honor these allegations are
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.