If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
so weird how every mom was born today
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.