If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you