@SodomyClown: If someone says "I will do anything for you" lean in really close and say "There's a body in my basement and I can't eat it all by myself."
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@ojedge: [train] MAN EATING NUTS: "Want one?" [offers bag] MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: "May I have… seven?" [coat rustles excitedly]
@headstrong_girl: "Wife stabs husband with squirrel" was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?