If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Oh no