If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
Sniffing the broccoli
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
#parenting
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!