If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
back to work
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Seek kebab; not attention