If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.