If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.