@NYC_Blonde: If someone specifies that you're book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they're calling you stupid.
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@SatansTongue: The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs! *puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water* *water turns into wine* Thank u Jesus
@BromanConsul: "BUT WE'RE DATING!" the blonde screams, "I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND." "You were" Hefner chuckles. "Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
@Rollmaninoz: *Caterpillar marriage therapy* Wife: he's not the man I married Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Karen!!!
@SortaSarcastic: Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ...