If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now